Seven Lights: The Last, Chapter 18

There’s a lot of perviness in this chapter! ;3

Chapter F-18: Over the Ring

The Planet Tree

Ganondorf clashed furiously with the mysterious being in white, whose sword matched Ganon’s in speed and strength. Ghirahim jumped the stranger from behind with two swords—the stranger slashed airwaves to knock him back. Ganon flew higher and charged a massive dark sphere above his hands, breaking it into energy missiles that swarmed the stranger from many directions. The figure swiftly batted the missiles away, and barely dodged when Ghirahim tried to stab down from above.

The figure blocked Ghirahim’s rapid strikes, slipping around the Demon Lord for a backslash, only for Ghira to dodge. Ganondorf roared a Dark Song Beam at him, but Cheren appeared to bounce the notes back with the Mirror Shield. “Hey, glad you’re still here!” Cheren smiled.

“You again? Did you find Azelf?”

“Nope, not exactly. But I heard you were around and wanted to get you!”

“Well, can it wait? I’m trying to rescue-” Cheren interrupted by yanking off the guy’s head wrapping, exposing his surprised face.

“I thought it was you, Nerehc!”

“Hey, give that back!” Nerehc reached for the wrapping, but Cheren played ‘Keep Away.’

“Dude, why you wearing this thing? I thought your face was ugly or something.”

“I’m wearing it to look cool!”

“’The heck is cool about this thing?”

“It just is, okay?!”

“I wasn’t fooled for a second, Nerehc.” Ganondorf smirked. “I could smell my blood in your veins. Though I am surprised you escaped the Sanzu River-”

“Like anyone finds the flashy gold clothes catchy!” Nerehc argued, much to Ganon’s chagrin.

“At least I ain’t trying to look cool, it’s just dorky when you dress yourself up like this.”

“You’re the dork, man, you act way too peppy.”

“Who doesn’t like someone peppy?”

“Someone who’s tired of barrel-rolling.”

“Grrrrr! Are you ignoring me?!” Ganon grumbled.

“Shoosh, Ganny, the grown-ups are talking.” Nerehc said.

“I’m thousands of years older than you!!”

“But I’m a reincarnation of Link,” Cheren smirked wryly, “therefore making me older than you.”

“Demon King Demise existed before Link, you fool.”

“And Vriska existed before him!”

“I sure did!” Vriska beamed. Ganon whipped around in shock, seeing the troll floating above with a Catch Card in hand. “Is THIS your card, Nerry?”

“Who are you?” asked Apis, the girl trapped in the card. “Oh! Cheren, Nerehc!”

“So, Sipa was right.” Nerehc smiled. “She used magic to trace her Positive’s location in a mirror, but she just got an image of Ganon’s pocket. Wellp, that’ll be all, Ganon. See ya!” He flew away, Cheren following.

“Oh, and Ganon, can’t have you fooling around here.” Vriska said before catching him and Ghirahim in psychic. She teleported them easily and proceeded to leave.

King Dutchman

Xehanort and Baldy Bald warped to Davy Jones’ cabin. “I apologize, Captain Jones.” Xehanort said. “I planned to steal Wendy and Sugar’s hearts to join Sheila’s inside you. But it seems they planned ahead.”

“Perhaps it was for the best-ah.” Jones said as he touched his chest. “Even with the girl’s ‘pure heart’ inside me, I have stopped feeling her warmth. No amount of light will touch me.”

“No, Jones, the fault is not yours… because the magic of Thanos’ Infinity Stones has reversed, you have reverted back to your Inferi state. You are less than you were in your previous undead state. But with enough of those hearts, you can be reborn anew. Your body and your spirit will feel warmth like you have never known. And I’m sure Seven will be a good number.”

“And you plan on seizing the hearts of the Seven Lights-ah?”

“Well… that was the original plan. However, they are not the same as the Seven Princesses from my dimension. Indeed, Sheila, Suki, Fybi, and… I don’t know about Zach, have youthful, energetic hearts full of love and life. Meanwhile, Jessie, April, and even Kimaya—while their intentions are pure—have fragments of darkness inside them. They would not be suitable for you, Jones.” Or for me.

“How very thoughtful of you.” Jones said with sarcasm. “Then tell me, would Manaphy’s heart suffice?”

“With those Firstborn, I want none of you to take a chance.” They all turned attention to Bill Cipher in the doorway. “They’ve been a pain in our hide for too long. Fortunately, their new human forms will be their downfall.”

“Right!” Baldy Bald grinned viciously as his right hand glowed pink. “My Red Magic completely Baldified Meloetta’s rainbow hair! Nothing ruins a kid’s confidence more than being totally shaven! And I’ve been saving an attack up to shave those Firstborn all in one stroke!”

“The problem is that attack likely won’t affect Crest or Diancie.” Bill mentioned. “They don’t have 2nd Age forms, so no hair to lose. Luckily, Crest is staying on Emera to keep the Ether under control. We need to infiltrate the trolls’ hideout again and recover the captured Darknesses.”

“Leave that to me.” Zorc said, spawning from a dark portal. (“YIPE!” yelped Baldy.) “Those children are bound to find more cards. They won’t expect me to sneak in through one of them.”

“Won’t the children be crossing the Furthest Ring soon?” Jones inquired. “That will be our chance to ambush them.”

“Yes.” Xehanort stroked his beard. “And during which, we can execute one of the Seven Lights. Just as Lord English predicted!”

Hivebent

“Everyone, may I present NEREHC!” Cheren announced to his friends with a shiny smile. “He was alive after all!”

“HOLY CRAP!!” everyone chorused. “Even though we kinda predicted he would turn up.” Aurora said.

“Why would Cheren survive and not Nerehc?” Haru inquired.

“And don’t forget he’s only here because I had to resize him.” Nebula reminded. “He made me promise not to tell because ‘he wanted it to be cool.’”

“Cool, schmool!” Chimney retorted. “I’m just glad my Apis-chan’s back!” She hugged her friend’s card tightly. “I was so worried you were DEAD!”

“Chimney, I’m gonna die from this tight hug if you don’t free me from this card!”

“Mind filling us in, Nerehc?” Cheren asked.

“Well, after I drowned in the Sanzu River, the Fierce Deity’s spirit rescued me and brought me to Limbo. I spent the next few years trying to merge my spirit with his in the hopes I could regain a bit of power.”

“Right, because King Andrew destroyed the mask… heh, I guess we owe him one! So, are you alive, or are you still a spirit?”

“I’m… sorta both? I mean, you evolved into a god, so the universe didn’t know where to put me.”

“How long have you been ‘back’, exactly?”

“About six months. The first thing I did was go to Nega-Sector W7.”

Sipa casually returned to her room and opened the closet. “Hu—NEREH-!”

Nerehc clamped her mouth shut. “Shhhh… For the next hour, I’m all yours.”

“. . . !” Sipa’s eyes watered with joy.

About 10 minutes later, Asia visited her room. “Sipa, I was wondering if I could borrow some potions… Sipa, you in here?” She heard something from the closet and flew to check. “AAH!”

“Oop-!” Nerehc and Sipa flinched. Their mouths were stuck together like glue.

“Then I reintroduced myself to all the DNK.” Nerehc said.

“Didn’t bother to tell us, eh?”

“Nnnnope!” Nerehc grinned. “So, what did I miss? Are you all, like, super-overpowered now?”

“All except the non-Firstborn Guardians!” Tronta joked.

“It Seems The Only Firstborn Missing Are Azelf, Mesprit, And Uxie.” Kanaya reported from her computer. “Unfortunately, Mew’s Guardian Has Been Zombified By The Original Grandfather. As Has Mary.”

“WHAT?! Mary turned evil?!” Chimney exclaimed. “Does this mean we gotta kill her?!”

“NO, Chimney! It means we gotta beat Grandfather and save them!” Aisa argued.

“Oh, screw them! It’s their fault that April-chan got blowed up!”

“April can’t be dead. I would’ve felt her life force decay with my Mantra. I’m sure she just escaped into a painting again.”

“Let’s just go help them!” Chris insisted eagerly. “I’ve been dying to duke it out with Grandfather again!”

“Think about Sunni first, why don’t ya.” Maddy said reprovingly.

“We can save her if we beat Grandfather, duh! If I could beat my Grandfather (who is my great-grandfather), I can beat this one!”

“I doubt Bil would include Grand in his Backup Army without reason” Eridan implied. “he may be stronger than you deem him”

“Really, you shortened a fur-letter name?” -3- Nepeta remarked.

“Honestly, I don’t doubt that Chris could beat him, either.” Cheren said. “I say give him a chance.”

“Yeah, but we should keep Mew away from Sunni until she’s fixed.” Dillon suggested. “Since the most powerful beings in the universe have no free will to us.”

“It’s not our fault…” Midna mumbled.

“I Think Sunni Was Taken Aboard The Dutchman.” Kanaya reported. “It’s Sailing Toward The Furthest Ring.”

“We had to go that way anyway, didn’t we?” Cheren asked. “It’s perfect! We can confront them as we’re crossing it!”

“Did you forget the ravenous space demons that wait to drag explorers into nothingness?!” Karkat yelled. “No matter how overpowered you think you are, our priority should be reaching the other side. Let’s wait for Terezi and Kimaya to come back first. The hell is taking those two so long?!”

“They’re Coming Right Now On Sector KB’s Ship!” Kanaya exclaimed. “They’re Being Joined By A Gummi Ship.”

The sector docked in the hangar, baring morbid expressions as they entered the main room. “So, um, did you find the Keyblade Master?” Cheren asked.

“Wait, where’s Terezi?” Karkat realized.

“OH, IT’S ALL OUR FAULT!” Bon Clay cried. “We were too late, we couldn’t save her!”

Karkat and Cheren gasped: when Sora arrived, he was carrying Terezi’s dead body. Teal blood leaked from the wound in her head. “TEREZI!” Karkat ran up and grabbed his friend by the arms. “DAMMIT, DON’T PLAY THIS STUPID GAME WITH ME! We need you, Terezi, WE NEED YOU!” He shook her, crying tears. Terezi’s glasses fell off, but her blind red eyes looked no different. “This is some trick, isn’t it?! You won’t wake up unless you smell my blood?! THEN HERE!” He dropped Terezi, grabbed her walking stick, and stabbed himself in the arm. “SEE? SMELL IT!” Red blood leaked as Karkat held the wound beside her nose. “You wanted this all along! My candy red blood, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! WAKE UP, TEREZI, WAKE UP!”

“Poor Karkat…” Arianna folded hands over her chest.

“Come on, Terezi, we needed you! We were gonna go back to Alternia, we were gonna destroy Lord English! You can’t die before finishing the mission, DAMMIT!”

Wendy walked up and cast Curaga on him. “Karkat, she’s gone. Cutting yourself won’t bring her back. I…I’m sorry.”

“Sigh… Terezi…” Karkat stood up and kicked her. “You couldn’t handle a simple search mission. Ugh… I’m gonna go lie down.” He walked away. “Go put her body with the other ones.”

“Geez, that guy has issues.” Nerehc said.

“Reminds you of a couple people, right?” Cheren replied.

A quarter hour passed after Terezi’s body was taken to the morgue, where Suki and Miyuki still watched over their father, and Mason was holding Sheila’s hand. “Celebi, would it really be a bad thing to heal them?” Arianna asked.

“Shortened lifespans notwithstanding, applying too much Life Chi to a mortal would increase their pain reception, too. Just like it did to Zeref.”

“So many inconveniences.” Melody complained.

“Speaking of which, is Sugar going to be okay, Melody?”

“Well, using that powerful spell made her bones super brittle. Thankfully, Feferi has her own private bath. I mixed Healing Chi in the water and Wendy used magic to keep it constant. She and Meloetta should be good as new if they bathe for long enough!”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“And best of all, Vweeb offered to help wash them. He said he’s well-experienced in that regard.” Melody smirked.

“Oh! Well, that’s very kind of him!” Ari smiled.

“. . . . . . HOLD ON, WHAT?!?” they all chorused.

Feferi’s bathroom

“Siiiigh… This bath is so amazing…” Sugar’s aching body was limp in the glimmering water, as though her soul had left her body to float in the soothing steam. “I’m so sore… what if I can never dance again?”

“That’s nonsense, your body’s a picture of health!” Vweeb said positively, massaging Sugar’s shoulders. A cloud of bubbles hid his nudity. “Your arms and legs feel like they can break steel!”

“Hm hm hm! Well, who am I to argue with a more detailed perspective? This bath just wouldn’t be complete without you, Cutie.”

“YOU LITTLE CREEP!!!” The aliens, Haruka, and MaKayla barged in in a fury.

“AAAH!” Sugar yelped. “Guys, don’t scare us like that!”

“It’s rude to enter a bathroom without knocking!” Vweeb shouted.

“DON’T TALK TO US ABOUT RUDE!” Haruka screamed. “Another friend just died and you’re getting pervy with Sugar?!”

“For your information, poor little Vweeb has been traumatized by all that’s been happening.” Sugar defended. “His mom always gave him baths whenever he got upset, but since she isn’t here, I’m the only grown woman to fill the role. And what a good little helper he’s been. Mmmmmwah.” Sugar bent her head down and kissed him.

“Besides, in ancient days, there were no gender boundaries!” Meloetta reasoned. “What we’re doing is completely natural. Isn’t that right, Celebi?”

“She’s not wrong…” the Forest Spirit agreed.

“I’m going to punish you later, Brother.” Makava threatened.

“Sugar, hide me!” Vweeb ducked into her cleavage.

“It’s alright, sweetie! Stay in there as long as you need to!”

“QUIT ENCOURAGING HIM!!”

“Ha ha ha!” Cheren laughed as he and Nebula watched the commotion. “You can’t blame Vweeb for adding a little light to the mood, can ya?”

“Things never change, it seems.” Nebula shook her head. “So, are we going to cross the Furthest Ring anytime soon? Kanaya determined a good flight path for us.”

“Yeah, we should get going ASAP. Let’s run the plan through with the others first.”

The Furthest Ring

The Noah sailed to what seemed to be the very edge of the Galactic Sea, minutes from going over an expansive waterfall of stars. All operatives in attendance were gathered on the deck, save for ones watching over their fallen comrades or the ones resting. “This sure is a weird fortress.” Cheren said, casually holding the large, purple 2-D square that Hivebent had compressed into. “It’s as light as a window pane.”

“FYBI!” Haylee called from the helm. “What’s the situation like?!”

“I see no fierce beings of the deep!” Fybi replied as she flew partway over the falls. “But we canst not drop guard. I fear they await us.”

“Y8R, there 8e no excuses on this vessel, m8ys!” Vriska declared.

“KOI, for today, we sail into the unknown!” Feferi announced, posing beside her on the keel.

“What are you two doing??” Cheren laughed.

“We like pirates, yo!” Feferi grinned.

“Aye, so get with the program!” :::;D Vriska winked.

“O-kay!” Haylee smirked with enthusiasm. “Beyond the Furthest Ring we go!”

The Noah WHOOSHED over the edge of the falls and soared over the black nothing. Haylee examined the chart provided by Kanaya: “Buckle in, guys, this road’s about to go ROAD HOUSE!” She kicked the wheel—the ark forcefully turned right as the passengers collapsed—gigantic spatial cracks ripped open in the place they would’ve sailed. Haylee kicked the wheel left, another tight turn that dodged more cracks. “Road House! Road House! Road- Road- ROAD HOUSE!” She excitedly shouted with each kick.

“SIS, TAKE IT EASY!” Harry cried.

“Okay!” Haylee caught her breath. “We cleared the ripples. Now we should see some monsters!”

“RAAAAAAAHHHHH!” The Space Kraken was the first behemoth to rise.

“You’ve traveled far, Kids Next Door!” Davy Jones rode the Kraken’s crown. “But at last, your journey ends here. DINNER, BOYS-AH!”

“ROOOOAAAARRR!” A swarm of galactic demons burst out of the darkness. Fybi rapidly shot arrows at the nosehair tentacles wiggling out of a giant nose, and Chris fired Combustion Beams into the mouth of a giant alligator with buzzsaw teeth. Six giant, red humanoid hands grabbed the Noah’s deck from below, but Midna grew six Hair Hands to rip them off. A cloud of colorful, neon lights seemed to be fluttering above them—it was a giant butterfly, mesmerizing the heroes with divine colors. Jirachi used magic to shrink the butterfly to a tiny glimmer, the kids regaining focus just in time to attack more monsters.

“Suh-PRIIIIIISSSE!” Czar Baldy Bald was gliding above the giant butterfly using a Cow Kite (literally a living cow as light as a kite). With the bug out of the way, he cast four snaky beams of pink energy. “Super Fist of Pink Magic: Pervy Baldification!” The Pink Magic latched onto the Firstborn. Celebi, Manaphy, Jirachi, and Midna not only lost their hair, their new clothes were shaven off, too.

“GYAAAH! I’M NAKED!” Jirachi screamed.

“What kind of demented attack is this?!” Midna panicked, not able to command her Hair Hands.

“Melody, hide me!” Manaphy flopped behind his niece.

“Manaphy, what’s the matter with you?! You used to be naked all the time! Heck, you’re STILL naked!”

“It’s true that babies never have a problem with being naked,” Baldy explained, “but their mentalities change with their bodies! Even the mighty Firstborn are powerless to public humiliation!”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” All the space demons were pointing and laughing. An embarrassed Midna hid inside Dillon’s shadow.

“Come on! You can’t let something as dumb as THIS stop you!” Dillon protested.

“NOOOOOO!” Aeincha began crying. “You horrible monster! ! How could you ruin all that beautiful hair! I can’t imagine anything worse than pure, utter baldness!”

“GYOOOM!” Chimney was tackled by a small creature, knocking Aeincha off her head. “Gonbe!” she gasped.

Chimney tried to restrain the Heartless rabbit, but it escaped her grasp and hopped up to snatch Aeincha in its teeth. “WAAAAH! CHIMNEY, HELP-!” They both vanished in a dark warp.

“NOO! Gonbe, where’d you take Aeinchan?! OIII, ANSWER ME!”

“Up there!” Aisa pointed at the Kraken. Xehanort appeared beside Jones, and Gonbe by his feet.

“Thank you, my pet.” Xehanort calmly picked Aeincha up.

“HEEEELP! CREEPY OLD MAN!”

“Silence!” Xehanort used his minimized Keyblade to stab the tiny, extracting a little glimmer of light that was her heart. Jones lightly caught it with a tentacle and licked it off.

“It’s small… but satisfying.”

“A light treat, at best.” Xehanort threw Aein’s soulless body over. Fybi swooped by to catch and bring her back to Chimney’s hands.

“Not Aeincha, too.” Aisa said sadly.

“XEHANORT!” Sora shouted up at the Darkness. “You didn’t forget about me, did you?! Come back down so we can settle this!”

“Maybe some other time, Sora. Jones, let us retreat for now.”

“My hunger is not yet satisfied, you coward-ah!”

“His Lordship will take care of the rest!” Xehanort opened a portal and dragged the captain inside.

“With the hair of the Firstborn absorbed into my body, I can use my most powerful attack, YET!” declared Baldy. “Super Fist of Blue Magic: GO LONG!” With a POOF of smoke, the dark sea had become a humongous football field.

“How does stripping god kids naked give you THAT technique?!” Maddy questioned.

“Go long!” Baldy seemed to chuck a football—when it got close enough, it turned out to be a tour bus, smashing Maddy underneath. Next, he threw an oil drum that Chris shot with combustion, creating a bright explosion that blocked their vision of a radio tower, a sunken pirate ship, an island turtle, and a trailer.

“YAH!” Chris destroyed said trailer with a mighty flaming punch. Unfortunately, the Kanker Sisters came out of it. “Ooo, look at this guy!” Marie grinned, grabbing his head.

“Hu hu hu! I LIKE bald guys!” May giggled goofily.

“I say we decorate it, girls!” Lee followed. The Kankers giggled and began to pummel Chris with kisses.

“Uhhh, Maddy? I’m starting to believe in cooties again! HELP!”

“I’ll save you, Chris!” Zach yelled.

“Okay, fine, Zach, anyone can help!”

“Super Fist of The Fool: Illegal Immigrant Banishment Program!”

“Uh… huh?” Chris and the Kankers realized they were on a catapult. “WAAAAAH…” And with that, they went hurdling away.

“Good-bye, annoying women.”

“What about Chris?!” Maddy shouted.

“Oh, he’ll be fine. I set it to land him in a tropical paradise.” But when Zach checked the label on his catapult, it read Bacon Factory. “Yuh-oh. I’ll take mine medium rare.”

“Not funny, Bro.”

“I’ll bring the Firstborn’s clothes back with my bending!” MaKayla said, charging Time Chi in her staff. She formed a blue bubble over Jirachi first to Rewind his time—he transformed into a pumpkinhead. “Huh?!”

“I thought you might do that!” Baldy smirked. “So, I went back in time and planted Jirachi’s egg inside a pumpkin patch!”

“Since when can YOU timebend?!”

“I bought a pair of Time Pants on eBay.” He was wearing pants with lots of clocks.

“Here’s what I think of your Time Pants!” Aurora flew up with Rocket Boost, flipped, and turned her leg to ice before kicking Crotchy in the balls. I mean… the other way.

Cheren Uno and Nerehc Onu flew like twin spiraling lights, one white and one gold, piercing five monsters through the heart. “GUU-HUUUUUUUH!” A terrifying cartoon rabbit with psychotic eyes leapt toward them with a mouth bigger than its body. Cheren and Nerehc crossed swords like an ‘X’, the rabbit missing them completely as it landed. …Its head slid off from the cut.

A giant hornet shot stingers down at Kimaya like bullets, the girl swiftly batting them away with both Keyblades. “Nice reflexes!” Sora complimented. “But let me show you a REAL trick!” With a flash of magic from his Keyblade, Sora conjured a roller coaster of light, its tracks going just under the bee so the coaster would crash into it. Still dragging the bee along, the coaster made a turn towards the ship’s port, and Sora jumped off to let it crash and crush the monster.

“LEMME GO AFTER THEM!” Chimney demanded, restrained by her friends. “LEMME GO!”

“Chimney, they’ve already gone!” Aisa yelled. “Calm down, we’ll track them eventually!”

“This never woulda happened if we just rode my train! We woulda gone so fast, we’d go through them like a ghost!”

“CHIMNEY, YOU’RE A GENIUS!!” screamed Kodama. “Karin-chan, use your ghost powers to make the ship intangible and phase us through these monsters!”

“This whole ship?! You’re insane!”

“What if Wendy used her magic to power you up?” Cheren asked.

“Er… well, it’d have to be a heck of a power up.”

“Wendy, try it! The faster we can get past this area, the better!”

“Alright, Cheren.” The bald-headed mage nodded seriously. “ARMS!” Wendy cast the enhancement charm over Karin. The ghost girl phased down into the core of the Noah, planting her body firmly against it and releasing a great surge of her Ghost Chi. Thanks to Wendy’s spell, it could spread through the whole of the ark, making the planets and all her teammates intangible.

A galactic sea serpent, whose mouth was wide enough to swallow the vessel whole, lunged forward and completely phased through the ship. “It’s working!” Haylee exclaimed. “Karin, just keep that up and we’ll be through here in three minutes!”

“Hnnnnnnnnrrrrrrr!” Karin used every fiber of her being to keep hold. “Make it. . . twoooooo!”

An array of ravenous demons tried to attack them, and there was no doubt the kids would exhaust their selves in physical battle. They stayed on deck, protected by their friend’s spiritual energy. “There’s the end!” Augustus beamed at the sight of a waterfall of stars.

“AUGH!” Karin broke and released—the ship just splashed the edge of the falls and took flight over this new region of Paradox Space.

“Siiiigh… we made it.” Cheren held his chest.

MaKayla lied down for a moment of relax. “. . . ! What… is… THAAAAT?!”

Towering over them was a ghastly green clock tower. Its godly size almost made them miss the fact it was covering an entire planet. “That tower…” MaKayla was shuddering from sheer intimidation. “This chi… it’s his… there’s no doubt about it!”

“That planet it’s inside… That’s Froast!” Feferi realized. “Kanaya was sayin’ that she couldn’t get it on her computer! Lord English musta done something to it!”

“DAMN RIGHT, you brats! GAZE at my Clock Tower of AWESOMENESS!”

“No…No way!” MaKayla felt her very chi vibrating in fear. “It’s him! LORD ENGLISH!”

A massive astral projection of the Lord of Time appeared before the clock. “You Kids Next Door have REALLY pissed me off! Beating up my minions like they were nothing! I knew they were gonna get beaten a long time ago, but they were STILL my loyal followers, dammit! They shared my vision! They were helping make it real! And I’ll erase ANYONE who hurts them without my command!”

“Can’t really hate him for that…” Nerehc commented.

“Grrr… LORD ENGLISH!” Cheren called. “Why do you want to destroy the universes?! Don’t you realize how many people you’re hurting?!”

“Who the fuck even cares?! Gods create worlds all the time! They make people, they make laws, they make stories! They never care who they’re helping or who they’re hurting! I wanted to create worlds, too, but my annoying sister kept getting in my way! And thanks to her, I lost more years than I can count. Years that I COULD’VE spent making MORE worlds! I’ll show her. I’ll show ALL the phony gods that MY vision is SUPERIOR! You worthless creations have YET to see my full power!”

While they were watching the illusion, no one would ever notice Xehanort’s henchman, Braig on the top of the tower. “You said it, Greeny!” With a careful, yet precise aim of his Sharpshooter, Braig fired a single spear at blinding speed.

“!! KIMAYA!” Aisa sensed the projectile, running to kick the girl out of the way. “AHH!!” The spear pierced her leg.

“Heh.” Braig snickered. The spear bounced off the deck, redirected itself, and pierced Kimaya’s head. Everyone’s mouths were agape as the Sixth Light fell on her back. Oathkeeper and Oblivion disappeared.

“Kim…Kimaya…” Aurora stuttered.

“BROO HA HA HA HA!” English laughed with pure glee. “FINALLY! One of her stupid vessels is DEAD! I think now I’ll tear up that useless ship!”

With a single thought, the front half of the Noah ripped apart from the back half. Now fueling with anger, Cheren’s golden flames burned hotter than ever. “ENGLIIIIIIIIISH!” He flew toward the demon like a comet, but Lord English’s form dispersed.

“CHEREN!” Nerehc flew after his Positive with equal speed. “WAIT! Whaddo you plan to do?!”

“Whatever I can to make him LEAVE US ALONE!” He saw a doorway below the planet-size clock and flew straight into it. Nerehc followed him, and it seemed they had entered a whole new realm. (Play “Road to Bowser” from Mario Galaxy 2!)


Stage F-13: Lord English in the Clock Tower

Mission: Destroy the clock tower!

The inside of the clock tower was an entire dimension where colossal emerald flames burned in hallways of grandfather clocks. These hallways and flames were so far away, it was impossible to determine their exact size. Cheren and Nerehc were forced to land on a green platform and go across a wide chessboard field. Giant green chess pieces would pop out of random tiles and send them back to start. Cheren told Fi to fly underneath and determine a safe path. She told Cheren which tiles had no traps underneath, allowing them to travel safely across.

The carpeted path led down at a 90-degree angle, but the gravity shifted so they could walk. A Pac-Chomp was munching up the center of the carpet like Pac-Man, leaving only room on the sides for Cheren and Nerehc to balance across. Cue Chomps (designed like 8-balls and tailed by green flames) were flying around the air, spitting fireballs. The twins needed a few sword strikes to KO them, but stayed balanced on the carpet. The carpet became whole again, but more Pac-Chomps either ate through in ‘X’ shapes or came from directly below, the duo carefully jumping the gaps.

A giant Pac-Chomp was now munching the whole carpet. Cheren noticed a dangling pocket watch above it, so he grabbed Nerehc and used the Hookshot to pull them to it. The watch immediately whooshed like a roller coaster over the realm, flinging the kids between two rows of emerald torches before they crashed on a new carpet. Three Level 3 Akuma ambushed them, equipped with back cannons that bore the Shinra Electric Company logo. Cheren bounced the cannon blasts back with Mirror Shield and Nerehc slashed airwaves in attempt to rupture their armor.

“I can’t seem to hurt these robots!”

One of the cannonballs Cheren bounced back punctured its head. “Looks like they can hurt themselves.” He repeated the maneuver with the other two Akuma. Past the battlefield, a sea of floating candles lay in their wake. Some candles would ignite upon the notes of the music’s vocals, but Cheren could shoot an Ice Arrow across a straight path of candles, freezing and preventing them from igniting. He and Nerehc hopped across these frozen candles, but they stopped before a rotating tunnel of candles. Cheren shot an Ice Arrow across a path, but they only had a short time to cross it before that path would rotate up, forcing them to continue along unfrozen candles. Cheren continued freezing diagonal paths to make them more long-lasting, until they finally made it to a safe foothold.

Beyond here, it seemed that a titanic stone wall blocked their way. This wall rumbled and rose up. The duo looked up and gasped at the humongous face: the massive square stone was a Thwomp, 50 feet tall at least. It shook the ground furiously when it came down. When it went up, the duo rushed onto the field it was protecting, seeing several holes in which they could hide. They seized the chance with each hole they saw, eventually crossing the field.

A carpet path led directly upwards, making several loops that – while it didn’t bother them – would definitely confuse the player since the controls didn’t change with the new angle. The only enemies in their way were Neo Shadow Heartless. The path led them to the head of the giant Thwomp, and once it felt them step on, the Thwomp rose much higher than it did before. Its speed increased, forcing the duo to think fast in dodging the giant incoming blocks, which would break against the Thwomp.

The creature stopped level with a new path, the twins quickly hopping off before the Thwomp returned to the bottom in its crushing fury. In the distance was a smaller clock tower with a throne above it, but the path leading to was composed of giant pool tables. All they had to go by was a giant 8-ball. Cheren kicked it forward, and the number reduced to ‘7’. “Crap, this is gonna be that puzzle from Sonic ’06, isn’t it?” Nerehc asked in annoyance.

Indeed it was that puzzle, except this time there was no glitch to cheat it. They had to bounce the ball around a slight maze of energy barriers and get it into the hole before its counter ran out. They were successful, so they could get on the ball as it was sprung up onto the next table, the counter refilled. This time, Pac-Chomps were eating across set paths, which would steadily respawn behind them, but they made endless loops. If the Chomps hit the ball, it would minus one from the counter. Guiding it across the table was too tricky to write about.

But they succeeded, and were sprung to the third and final table. Now, they had to hit all the different billiard balls into holes like a natural game. Only the 8-ball could move them, however, and again they had 8 chances. Even when the other balls were dealt with, they had to spare the last hit for the 8-ball to go into its designated hole. They stepped on it to be sprung to the path before the throne. The carpeted path angled up like stairs, leading to the top of the clock tower. There His Lordship sat. (End song.)

“And just when I was enjoying myself, two useless rejects barged into my private tower! You better be here to swear your undying allegiance to me!”

“Swear allegiance to my sword, you damn Hulk wannabe!” Nerehc retorted, blade drawn.

“Hm hm… ha ha! BROO HA HA HAAAA!” Lord English couldn’t contain his laughter. “That sword looks like someone’s shitty drawing! You know what happens to shitty drawings? They get ERASED. But I’m gonna let you keep it, just to live with the PAIN and AGONY of a shitty drawing pencil! BROO HA HA!”

“I haven’t known you for FIVE MINUTES and I’m sick of your voice!” yelled a voice that was neither Cheren’s or Nerehc’s. The two turned with a start as Karkat Vantas approached.

“Errr? Oh, one of the gray people. Pah. They’re even dumber than his sword.”

“I can’t BELIEVE YOU TWO decided to confront this guy without a PLAN!”

“Blame Cheren for being a cocky bastard!” Nerehc argued.

“Ugh… I know I wasn’t thinking right, but I…I couldn’t take it, anymore! He killed my parents… and my friends. Every bad thing that’s happened has been because of him!”

“Eh…” Karkat pinched his nasal bridge. “Yeah… but don’t forget, Cherry Stew.” He stepped forward calmly. “This piece of shit destroyed my world first.” He whipped out large twin sickles designed like crab claws. “AND I NEVER GOT PAYBACK!” He lunged forward and STABBED Lord English in the head.

His Logia body was nowhere near affected. Lord English Rewinded Karkat. “-PAYBACK!” Karkat lunged again and stabbed. Rewind. “-PAYBACK!” Stab. Rewind. “-PAYBACK!” Stab. Rewind. “-PAY-”

“STOP!” Cheren grabbed him. “He’s making a fool out of you!”

“Hey, this would make a neat story!” English scratched his skull. “Three hopeless idiots team up to try and defeat the great Lord English! But His Lordship, so kind to his subjects, makes a bargain!” He stood up. “That he’ll only fight with his weapon.”

“You asked for it!” Cheren agreed. “Come on, hopeless idiots! Wait, why did I just call us that?”

“I dunno… but I wanna kick his ass even more now!” Nerehc followed.

“Then quit acting hopeless and KICK HIS ASS!” cried Karkat. (Play “King Bowser” from Super Mario Galaxy!)


Boss fight: Lord English

Lord English ripped off his golden peg-leg and willed it to become a giant axe. Cheren and Nerehc clashed blades against the weapon, and Lord English used only minimal strength in combatting them. With a stronger thrust of the axe, the boys flew back. Karkat zipped up and grabbed the axe’s handles in his sickles, desperately trying to yank it out. Lord English did nothing and watched Karkat hopelessly fail, and then let go of the axe to make Karkat stumble back and fall under it. Karkat struggled to pick up the axe, and when Cheren and Nerehc applied their own strength to help, His Lordship willed the axe to weigh 100 times more, grounding them.

“Then when the stupid idiots couldn’t even take his axe, they try to attack him in lightspeed!”

“Come on, let’s use lightspeed to attack!” Cheren announced.

“That’s physically impossible for MEEEE!” Karkat began moving at lightspeed alongside his comrades. Lord English turned his axe into a whip, thin as string, but strong enough to repel the speedy boys. He saw every direction, every route they would take, every maneuver they would make, and positioned his whip in the exact spots to block them, every one-four-thousandth of a second. Finally, for a split fraction of a second, he stopped whipping—then he froze time, jumped, unfroze time to let them be in one center, and in that split second he CRUSHED them.

“But it turned out lightspeed was a bust. All they could do was pathetically dodge my ball-and-chain!”

Lord English morphed his whip into a spiked ball-and-chain, complete with emerald flames. He whooshed it around and around the field, making trails of flames, the kids could do naught but dodge. “Ugh, what am I doing?!” Cheren jumped and grabbed the chain, Lord English looking up in confusion. Nerehc and Karkat avoided the flames and ran to stab English’s knee, doing no damage, but catching his attention. Cheren used Rocket Boost to thrust partly out with the ball, causing it to fly into English’s face. “DWAAA!”

The dizzied Time Lord dropped his weapon, his Octogan eyes spiraling dizzily as he wobbled around the field. Cheren performed a spin attack to send him spinning toward Nerehc, who stabbed him with the Deity Sword. English then wobbled frantically in Karkat’s direction, leaving the troll to STAB his sickles in the Octogan eyes. (End song.)

“BROOOEEEEH!” Red blood came spewing out.

“WOOT! WE DID IT, DUMMIES!” Cheren cheered. “Let’s hit ourselves in the heads and fall like dead puppets!” They did indeed bash their selves, and down they went. “Wait… WHY DID WE JUST DO THAT?!”

“BROOEEEH HEH HEH HEEEH!” Lord English laughed so hard, he cried. “It’s so FUNNY when you think you won! The only chance you’ll have at winning is when I say you’ll win. But it’s time for your winning streak to end. So long, garbage specks!”

“You sure you wanna do that, Handsome?” a girl asked.

“Huh? Did someone say ‘Handsome’?”

“Great… Who’s here now?” Cheren turned. “Wha-? Nagisa?!”

Nagisa Shiota stepped onto the clock tower. His pretty blue hair hung down, his cute blue eyes adding life to his pretty small face, and a gorgeous winter coat kept his body snug and warm. “WOOOOOOH!” Lord English’s flashing eyes turned to flashing hearts, and the blush marks on his skull grew. “That girl is hubba-hubba PRETTY! Oh-h-h that coat… SEXY! YOU! Gold boy! Do something seductive with her!”

“What?!” Cheren flushed. “B-But he-!”

“SHE!! What male in their right mind would look like that?! That is a girl, so she is entitled to a seductive move!”

“Well? DON’T I?” Nagisa glared at Cheren scoldingly.

“Are we… really doing this? Uhh, okay…” He uncomfortably reached and touched where Nagisa’s left breast would be located. “Wow, you really went the extra mile.”

“NOT SEDUCTIVE ENOUGH!! I want you to take that girl’s hand and say, ‘You’re pretty’!”

“Um… ’kay?” Cheren lightly held Nagisa’s mittened fingers. “You’re pretty.”

“OHHHH!” Steam burst out of English’s skull nose. “BY THE FINGERS, why didn’t I think of that?! This scene is so HOT! OOOOO, I can feel the urge they have to softly hug each other!”

They softly hugged each other. “OWAAAAAAAHHHHH! IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!” Lord English frantically hopped and skipped around the field. “THE HOTTEST SCENE IN ALL MILLENNIA IS UPON US! People will look at this scene, and MELT before the extreme hotness! OH, I CAN’T TAKE IT! GRAAAAAHHH!”

“The clock tower’s shaking!” Nerehc exclaimed. “We have to escape!”

“It’s too late!” cried Cheren. The hallway that composed the distant background was collapsing, the clock tower upon which they stood spun out of control and fell apart. Spatial cracks ripped open and tore up the fabric of the dimension. The cracks grew so wide that they swallowed the realm in light.